Breaking Up Is Hard To Do........

Lately that little voice in my head has been screaming.


Its been screaming for me to quit being healthy - quit taking care of yourself.


Only this little voice doesnt talk to me like that - it more ....justifies.


It tells me - you worked hard today you deserve a blizzard from DQ. You have been so good lately - you work hard -you deserve this - whatever really bad for me treat is. Or you are tired - you need your rest - dont get up and workout -be lazy and relaxxxxxxxxxx.  It tells me that all things I know that are bad for me are oh so good.  That its good to be bad.....
I know this voice - and unfortunately I know it all to well.
And up until today I have always fell victim to my own voice - weird right?
But, Im realizing now - that its time to break up with that voice.
This voice has been ruling my life for waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy too long now. It has been causing me to gain weight, be lazy, reward myself with food, think about getting drunk, and do destructive things.


This voice has been running the show and this show has not been a pleasant one. So its time to pause for commercial break and restart the show. I need to learn to stop this voice in its tracks and do what is best for me.....and that means ignoring this voice when its telling me how good these bad things will feel.....
Its time for me to learn and use the word NO! and be ok with it. No is a complete sentence and I need to start using it
Its ok if others want to eat that cheesecake, go to the bar, not workout, not go to work, etc - that is their choice - and they can chose to do whatever they want. I shouldnt pressure myself to fit in by making unhealthy choices. I need to look out for me.
And if Im not strong enough to go along with them - then thats ok too - I can do something else.
Its amazing how at times we can convince ourselves that we need to do things that we really dont need to - so we have that sense of belonging.

So while I hope this breakup is amicable - Im prepared for the fights, the tears, the fears, and the overall frustration of this voice. But Im also preparing myself for the healthy rewards this break up will bring.
The happiness, the satisfaction, and the pride that I can begin to feel.  Its time to reward myself in a positive way and hold my head up high.


Change is inevitable and this time I know its for the good.

So, breaking up may be hard to do - being unhealthy is harder. So the choice is mine and I choose to be healthy.

Blind Leading the Blind?

Trust. 
Such a small word with so much meaning behind it.

In one of my past employers we did a "Trust Walk".  With this - we were put into duos.  One of us was blind folded while the other took us through this mock obstacle course.  The key was the non blind-folded person was leading us through the course - but they could not talk.  They would have to push you to the right - push you down, etc.
With this you had to trust that the person was looking out for you, taking you in the right direction, had your best interest in heart, and would safely bring you back to the starting point.

For anyone with trust or control issues this was NOT an easy session.
while doing this session my leader who was trying to make sure I didn't fall down a slide was trying to get me to sit down.  Being so intent on the slide - she did not see the bar that I eventually banged my chin on and bit my tongue.  And lets just say it was followed by pain and some blood.

With this I easily could've whipped off the blind fold and yelled.

But after the pain passed I realized - it wasn't her fault.  She was trying so hard not to have me fall that she missed the other obstacle.  Something to her that she did not see as dangerous.

This seems so true in our own lives.  Sometimes we fear something so much that we don't even realize that the real danger is approaching us. 
We may try and try to avoid a specific situation or event and in reality what we are going through is worse. 

We tend to make things so much worse in our head than they really are!

So how do we come to know and trust that in the end - it will all work out?

How do we allow the blindfold to be placed and trust that our leader will bring us back safely?

What I'm coming to realize is that we just have to do it.

Our blindfolds are on whether we want them to be or not.  We can try to rip them off, we can try to see whats coming, we can prepare for the obstacle, cheat and look down through the part that's out a bit by our nose......but no matter what we do - we are never going to be fully prepared.
We are never going to be completely prepared.  There will always be an unexpected event, something we didn't even think of that will come out and smack us in the chin........

So we must trust.

We must trust that our leader - whomever it may be- is looking out for us.  They are weighing the consequences with us and when they do allow an obstacle to get to us - its more than likely to avoid a worse one.

We are never given more than we can handle.  And at times it definitely feels like we are, but when we put that blind fold on and take that first step we must have complete faith and trust that our feet will land on soft ground and that as long as we trust our leader - everything will be OK.

Disney Movie

So today I woke up, well in a mood...Not sure why, not sure what happened, no idea how to get out of it - just in a mood.

Sometimes this happens and honestly I hate it. I hate that I’m not enjoying every second of life and that I’m not happy and chipper - but I’ve come to realize that sometimes we just need to feel things.

Sometimes we are in moods, and we just need to roll through it - with as little damage as possible.

On the flipside sometimes we get to have great moods! Some days I wake up and get out of bed and the birds are singing to me, all the lights turn green, I’m early for work, the coffee is done perfect, breakfast tastes amazing, everyone around me is in a great mood as well, and the world is a Disney Movie come to life!

Today is just not one of those days!

I was late to work, the lights were red, and my coffee tastes off today. Far from a Disney Movie - but not a Freddie Movie - somewhere in between! :-)

A year ago when this mood would hit me I would dwell in it - lash out - strike - and cause allot of damage: to myself, my emotions, my spirit, and unfortunately others.

Today I can practice what I have coined as mood containment. Today I can contain my mood - to some degree.I’m no longer the running psychotic banshee, or the woman on the edge.

Today I’m just a chic who's in a mood and who is going through it.I don’t need to lash out on every poor unsuspecting person, I can just be me, experience the mood, and move on.

Even better - I can call some of my chicas and just chat it up and start to let it go.I know now that eventually what ever has my panties in a bunch will even itself out and I will be able to deal with it like a big girl and move on. It also helps to know I’m not the only one who has days like this - and I’m definitely not unique in this sense and I’m not alone.

So as I move through my mood today I’m grateful to have more tools to successfully go through unharmed and not harming anyone else...So until the mood passes Ill be here just chillin- taking it one moment, or today - one minute (or second) at a time.

Today I believe that these moments are just the previews, and that any moment this too shall pass, and the Disney Movie will start...

So I think Ill grab some popcorn and just wait this one out...

Fear of....Success???

As I continue this journey I cant help but to think - am I really afraid of failure as I have lead myself to believe for so many years.... or is it more fear of success?

When we were young we were taught to be modest. Don’t brag, don’t show off.... we were encouraged to minimize our successes and show humbleness and modesty.

The reasoning behind this was not malicious - it was a great thought in theory - but maybe, just maybe as kids we took it too far.Maybe we realized that if we were struggling or not doing well we got extra attention, extra excuses. The girl with the straight A's was a show off - and we were real - and we were ok. There was something wrong with her - not us.... so we encouraged ourselves to cut back a bit - and a bit more - and slowly somehow we started to fear success.

In life when we succeed when good things happen a few reactions can happen.

People can be happy for us - genuinely - and encourage us. They tell us we deserve this and they celebrate with us. I like those kinds of people!

Or sometimes people tend to point out the negatives for us. It may be their own insecurities stepping in - but they want to put us down, want to stomp out our accomplishment. They seethe with jealousy and hate that we are successful.

There are also those that point out the negative - because they are looking out for us - they just want to caution us. These crack me up. These do-gooders are always just trying to help.

Then there are also those that fake the happiness for us - and you can plainly see by their faces - they just aren’t good liars - or they aren’t hiding it well. Whatever it may be - you know they are not happy for you - and you know that it’s not real. But these "thanks for coming out" or "good efforts" may really be trying - they just missed the mark.

I’m sure there are others that fall into another category - but these tend to be the reactions I get - and I chose to have.

Part of me fears success for others and for myself - because what if we lose it? What if you lose that dream job? What if you realize you made a mistake?

What if...what if...

What if it’s awesome? What if it's everything we hoped for and more? What if it just is what it is?????What if we stopped encouraging each other to fail and truly celebrated each other’s successes! What would happen then?

What if we found a happy medium? What if I would start believing that I deserve success and stop sabotaging my efforts?There are so many possibilities with those ifs.... so why not?

Why not believe we are worth it? Why not work hard at it - celebrate our successes and stop apologizing or making excuses!

Ditch the naysayers, the do-gooders, and the not truly excited - they will come around - but why waste time with them when we can just celebrate ourselves.

So, as I continue this journey - I’m going to ditch the biggest naysayer in my life - myself.

I’m choosing to shut up that voice in my head, shut up those doubts. Shut up the negative, the never good enough, the you don’t deserve this - and I will simply tell her...I DO deserve this - and I’m going to enjoy this!

I’m hoping that she will get the point, put on a party hat, hang a congrats banner, and enjoy the moment with me...

Enjoy your moments - they are yours, you worked hard for them, and you deserve them - every single second. Enjoy!